Valentine’s Day office etiquette: The 80:20 rule for discussing your partner at work, and three topics to avoid
is approaching—and this romantic celebration is the one time of year when it’s completely acceptable to send your partner an enormous heart-shaped balloon at their workplace.
However, although greeting card companies might encourage you to proclaim your eternal love for your significant other, maybe these proclamations should remain within a greeting card—and far from your coworkers’ hearing.
Honestly, persistently raving about your spouse or new romantic partner at work can make your colleagues uncomfortable. This is particularly true when Valentine’s Day is long past and you continue to describe their flawless character and gorgeous eyes.
Niraj Kapur, a trainer, TEDx speaker, and author of Business Growth: Lessons Learned from Divorce, Dating and Falling In Love, explains precisely how much employees and supervisors should discuss their romantic partners in the workplace.
Is discussing your partner at work inappropriate?
That depends on the circumstances.
Kapur says it’s perfectly acceptable to commend “a significant other for being a wonderful partner and parent”—but only sparingly.
For instance, on a Monday morning when colleagues are chatting about their weekends, it would be natural to bring up your partner and any interesting activities you did outside of work. “The same principle applies on a Friday when the weekend is near,” Kapur notes.
Or if you’re a manager who misses the casual conversations that happen at employees’ workstations, mention your partner only when it’s truly pertinent to a discussion you’re already having with your staff.
“At the conclusion of the sales month, when team members doubted they could reach their targets due to a lack of confidence, I would share the story of my now ex-wife and her journey. She arrived in England as an immigrant without any qualifications and achieved remarkable success,” Kapur remembers.
“Why? Because she was resilient and always had faith in herself. I wanted my employees to understand that they too could accomplish anything with the proper mindset, so that anecdote was relevant,” he adds.
When it’s never appropriate to discuss your partner
Although complimenting your partner in moderation is generally permissible, it’s never acceptable to publicly criticize them.
Kapur recommends against seeking easy laughs at your partner’s expense, such as by commenting that you dislike their clothing style or that you consider their political opinions unsophisticated.
Additionally, there are three subjects you should steer clear of “at all costs” when discussing your significant other:
- Sex
- Politics
- And religion.
Nobody wants to listen to you boast about how wonderful your romantic life is. At the same time, disparaging (or even praising) your partner’s religious or political convictions could make team members who share or oppose those views feel uncomfortable.
In the end, “sometimes remaining silent is preferable to saying something foolish,” Kapur counsels.
How frequently should individuals discuss their romantic relationships at work?
People are constantly concerned about being evaluated. However, “no one is judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself,” Kapur maintains.
Nevertheless, if you’re concerned that all your employees or colleagues are tired of hearing about your partner, there’s a straightforward principle you can adopt moving forward: The 80:20 rule.
When you’re in a professional environment, 80% of your conversation should focus on work-related topics while the remaining 20% can be personal.
“The workplace is becoming more personal because nearly 60% of people are dealing with mental health challenges,” Kapur states.
Therefore, discussing your personal life, including the individuals in it, can motivate others to be more forthcoming, foster a trusting atmosphere, and add a more human touch to professional interactions.
Kapur notes that when he has revealed details about “the isolation that comes with life after divorce,” it has benefited both him and his business because people are interested in knowing “the individual behind the job title.”
He explains that this openness makes him more approachable and credible than someone who presents an invincible persona.
“If someone is fearful, I share an example of when I experienced fear, such as when I first spoke publicly or when I initially became a manager,” he says
“I discuss how I conquered that fear by having my partner have faith in me and assure me that it was achievable,” he adds.
This serves as an excellent example of how to discuss a loved one at work, Kapur concludes, because “it’s not shared for gossip purposes, but for emotional encouragement.”
An earlier version of this article originally appeared in on February 10, 2023.