Awkwardness Is Inherent in Dating, So Accept It

Dating is full of awkward situations, from trying too hard to fill silences to missing social cues and general misunderstandings. These awkward moments are most likely to happen early on when you’re first getting to know someone. They also feel the most important, which can make dating feel stressful. People usually want to show their best and most genuine side. They want to be open, but not appear weak, especially at the beginning. So, dealing with awkwardness, or cringe, can be a big worry.

I hear a lot of dating stories, and I know that cringe can really affect a romantic connection—but not how we think. Many think that if you seem weird, awkward, or unsure, you’ll be immediately rejected. This idea is in every story about someone going from being an “ugly duckling” to a “swan,” but that’s not really how dating works.

It’s not about avoiding cringe at all costs to find love. Actually, when people respond to these embarrassing moments with kindness, humor, and understanding, it can bring them closer.

Here are some real things that have happened to my clients or their dates: sweating a lot, talking too much, not talking at all, mistaking a friendly outing for a date, telling bad jokes, awkward half-hug-half-kisses, coughing fits, and even throwing up a little. You might be surprised that not all of these dates were disasters. Many turned into relationships (including the non-date and the vomiting incident). Even though these experiences might be cringey, they didn’t ruin the connection, and that’s important to remember while dating.

These daters were able to bounce back from cringe because they were willing to not let one moment ruin the whole experience.

Shows like Sex and the City, Friends, Seinfeld, and Girls show embarrassing moments and character quirks in great detail. But these shows were before social media became a main way to socialize, date, and compare ourselves to others. The widespread fear of being seen as cringe, and therefore undatable, is pretty new. The word “cringe” as we use it now comes from online culture. But it’s become part of our real lives and, sadly, used against us.

The fear of being cringe (or even knowing someone who is cringe) can affect who we date, how we act, and how we express ourselves. Basically, cringe has become a social trap that’s hard to escape. Gen Z, who have grown up with the internet, are especially likely to feel pressure to avoid being cringe. People are starting to realize that constantly watching themselves is preventing them from growing and doing what they really want.

But knowing that cringe might be holding us back is one thing; facing it and even being cringe sometimes, especially on dates, is another.

The fear of being cringe or dating someone cringe can stop connections from happening. Being unforgiving of awkwardness early on in a date stops you from getting to know each other better. Expecting perfection, or hiding our true selves, also hurts our ability to enjoy the good parts of the date. Sure, a date might have gotten ketchup on their shirt and not noticed, but they’re kind, funny, and offer you a taste of their fancy drink. These things are much more important than a temporary embarrassing moment.

In dating and relationships, we’re always trying to connect with each other, according to John and Julia Gottman of The Gottman Institute. These attempts can be small, like asking about our day, inviting us to an event, or touching us. The Gottmans have studied couples for years and found that we have choices in how we respond to these attempts: turning towards, turning away, or turning against them. They also found that couples who stay together longer turn towards each other’s attempts to connect about 86% of the time. Ignoring someone because they’re awkward in how they try to connect would be turning away, and pointing out that something is cringe would be turning against their attempt to connect.

I’ve seen dating mishaps turn around when both people are willing to accept that dating rituals are often silly. They don’t get caught up in the formalities and allow awkwardness to come and go, because it always does. And when someone responds with real concern when something embarrassing happens to their date instead of being disgusted, it creates a path for connection, trust, and intimacy. That’s worth overlooking cringe.